The bible of LinkedIn bollocks
So, you're new to the wonderful world of LinkedIn, and you're a bit confused by the waves of posts, articles and messages about GDPR, blockchain, Bruce Lee playing table tennis with nunchucks and some fella called Oleg.
Let me help you out there, newbie.
It's amazing how much you can tell about people from 1,300 characters, inspirational memes and Simon Sinek video clips. Below I've listed the different types of posts so that you can navigate the crazy LinkedIn feed that, at the best of times, seems to be dictated by an algorithm designed by a drunk, speed-sniffing, crack addict.
The Quiz Masters
Ah, the Quiz Masters. These guys are so smart, they post helpful, little brainteasers so that stupid folk like us can get clevererer. How kind of them.
The Humble Bragger
You can always tell when someone's successful when they post half-arsed advice and self-indulgent rants whilst not so modestly plugging how great they are. I'm inspired. How can we all be as successful as you?
The Influencers
You can tell someone knows what they're talking about when they post quotes from Branson, share vids from Gary Vee, or write articles about how Simon Sinek helped them find their 'why'.
Believe it or not, the one constant activity between all successful people is that they regularly post inspirational memes of Richard Branson.
Coincidence? I think not.
The Tea Leaf
Apparently, nicking the posts of other people and passing it off as your own is one of the best ways to get likes on LinkedIn.
A tea leaf is cockney rhyming slang for ‘thief’. Because that’s what they are. A thief.
Regurgitating another person's content because you have bad grammar and the imagination of a slug, is like stealing someone else’s grandma because your own smells like old cabbage and is racist to bus drivers.
The GDPR dudes
There's a shedload of people posting about something called 'GDPR'. I've been struggling for a while to understand what this was, until I realised that it stood for 'Grow Dense Pubic Region'.
GDPR is a group of au naturel individuals for the abolishment of crotchal grooming, so if you're interested in cultivating a decent pants boff, contact the guys above. The one in the middle's doing a webinar on it, where he'll grow his groin-beard live on webcam.
The Disrupters
These users know that if you want to look disruptive, you need to post disruptive shit. Like a tin opener that can cure cancer. Or a designer handbag that can hold enough water for an African village.
Posting stuff like this is a sure way to get popular, and all you have to do is do a quick search on YouTube for the word 'innovative', copy the link, and post it.
Job done.
Oleg
If you come across a post made up of pointless twaddle, with random capitalised words and double-spaced lines, you've probably found Oleg. You're probably thinking, how does this guy get so many likes? Well, what people don’t realise is that Oleg is the name of a brainwashing bot used by the Daily Mail to stop the general population from burning down their offices.
You may not have noticed, but his name is an anagram of the words ‘seven, slop, leg, hi’, which is pointless information, just like his posts.
The LinkedIn Police
You'll spot the LinkedIn Police by their 'LinkedIn is not Facebook' comments on posts. Contrary to popular belief, they're not actually employed by LinkedIn, and bravely volunteer to police the community - despite no one asking them to.
If you want to join their ranks you'll need to pass a bleep test, watch a highlight reel of clumsy cat videos without laughing, and withstand a hammer to the thumb without letting out a single swear word.
The Grammar Nazis
The Grammar Nazis are a cult-like organisation that spend most of their time pointing out grammatical errors and feeling dead smug about it.
“Erm, I think you’ll find it’s ‘you’re’, not ‘your’.”
Well, I think you’ll find you’re being a pretentious twat.
Or is it your being a pretentious twat?
I get mixed up.
The Crypto Sages
You’re a cryptocurrency expert, huh? How much have you made? Nothing? Well, you’re not an expert then. Oh, but you read a blog about it and bought 0.00000000000000000000000000000000001% of a bitcoin last week? My bad. I bow down before you, oh wise one.
The beauty of being a Crypto Sage is that the majority of people know so little about bitcoin or blockchain that you can pretty much post anything and it's unlikely they'll suspect that you don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about.
The Tinderers
Now, this is hit and miss, but if you're fed up of Tinder, tired of Bumble, and finished with Plenty of Fish, you can also use LinkedIn to find a partner. Popular openers are, 'Hello pretty lady', 'Are you single?' and 'If I send a naked picture, will you marry me?'
I'm not sure what success rates are like but, looking at the messages above, I can imagine the ladies can't get enough of it.
The Gary Vees
“I know, I’ll post a picture of myself with one of my (not so) famous quotes and people will think I’m at the top of my game.”
Erm. Yeah. Who are you again?
The Gary Vees are the users that think they're well known enough to post pictures of themselves with some excerpt from an interview they did for Nobodygivesashit.com.
The Beanbaggers
The Beanbaggers post pictures of company dogs, ping pong tables, cupcakes and Prosecco in an attempt to make their workplaces look inviting to potential job applicants.
“Fancy a job with us?”
No. Your pay is terrible and one particular Glassdoor review describes working for you as ‘like a 1900’s coal mine, but with more chance of dying’.
“If you come work for us, you’ll get a branded hat, your own beanbag and a light up pen.”
Well, why didn’t you say so? Where do I sign?
The Preachers
The Preachers are so committed to their faith, they can't help but plaster religious memes all over the place.
Now, you might think posting about your faith on LinkedIn is a good idea, but I think it's very unlikely that you'll get to the pearly gates and God'll say, "Well, Susan, you've spent the majority of your life tormenting animals, swearing at old people and hitting children, but the fact that you've plugged me on LinkedIn every day means I'm willing to forgive you. Welcome to Heaven."
The LinkedIn Experts
If you get any more than ten likes on a post, you can classify yourself a 'LinkedIn Expert'. You can then post lists and articles imparting your wisdom on the rest of the feeble LinkedIn community who desperately need your advice because you're so much smarter than they are, and they have absolutely no idea what they're doing on the platform.
So, there you have it. A daft guide to some of the users of LinkedIn and the bollocks they post on a daily basis.
There are miles more categories, but I couldn't be bothered photo-shopping myself into any more examples.
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